Zak Spade's

Using a cat flap is so demeaning

Local newspaper, July 2020
as Archie Cat ("Archie’s Exit")

o - O - o

I will not use the cat flap because it is so demeaning. Really, a hole in the wall for animals, I ask you! Instead, I come and go via a proper door, as do my human subjects. It seems a more dignified way to gain ingress and egress to my home. Using such a door is befitting my status as a superior being.

However, it presents a problem; I need to leap up to the handle to pull it down by hanging off it. While I can do it, I choose not to as it is rather unbecoming someone as noble as myself. A much better idea is to have one of my serfs attend to the operation of the mechanism.

Although it is a sensible and practicable solution, there is a problem. Naturally I can fully understand human-speak, but alas, the humans in my household are bereft of any linguistic talents regarding the understanding cat-speak.

I used to meow non-stop until someone eventually opened the back door for me, but it became wearisome. Most times water, food, petting or toys would result before a woefully underpowered humanoid brain understood my directive. As there is no chance of training anyone to respond to simple cat commands, I decided there had to be better way.

The idea, when it came to me, was so simple that it made me wonder why I had not thought of it before. Then I realised that simplicity caused its overshadowing by the rest of my brilliance, therefore lending it a cloak of invisibility, so it is no longer a surprise to me.

Instead of trying to instruct one of my humans to open the rear door for me, I now purr and rub against their legs. When they reach for me, or stand up, I immediately run away partway towards the rear door. If the target of my instruction follows me, or moves in my direction, I continue my ‘flight’ and sit on the mat.

I would rather they would just learn to understand ‘cat’ but I fear they do not have the intelligence, and so my play-acting will have to suffice. While the words, ‘the-cat-sat-on-the-mat’ cause me pain, I spend far less energy worrying about it than having to leap up to open the door for myself.

In the scheme of things, it is a small price to pay, but that is what one gets if choosing to surround oneself with those of lesser intellect.

© 2020

16 March 2023