Zak Spade's

Gardening seems to be a bloomin' stupid kind of pastime to me

Local newspaper, June 2020
as Darwin Beagle ("Darwin and Gardening")

o - O - o

Gardening confuses me. My owner puts some plants in the ground and they get bigger. But I see him pulling other plants out of the ground and throwing them in the compost bin because he doesn’t want them to grow! I wish he would make his mind up.

From what I understand of it, the whole thing is scary. For instance, he uses huge scissors to cut bits off the bush outside the front of where I live. And he uses smaller scissors for the roses in the back garden. But it doesn’t matter if they are big or small; they all look sharp and dangerous. Then there is the metal knife-thing on a stick that he uses to dig holes. My paws do the job just as well, but when I try to help I get told off.

Given that it is my garden, and I never gave him permission to plant roses, I wonder why he takes so much care of the things. I don’t like them. If I stick my nose in them to look for something tasty to eat, they hurt me. They have lots of nasty spikes and when they jab me it feels like I’ve been bitten.

The problem is that my garden promises me so much. Food could be anywhere. When not sunbathing, I am sniffing about looking for anything that might have been left for me in a flowerbed.

At times I wonder what each flower tastes like. If I try lots of them, maybe one day I will find one that tastes of chicken. If I do I will tell my owner that all his roses have to be replaced by what I have discovered.

I only taste the plants so as to check. It’s not as if I am eating them. So I don’t understand why he tells me off each and every time I have a nibble. His roses don’t smell of chicken and I know they won’t taste of chicken. This is because chickens don’t bite. Obvious really, and the reason I don’t bother chewing them.

He even stops me checking the plants he pulls out of the ground and intends to throw away! I really don’t get it. If he doesn’t want them, then why can’t I have them? What if they are, The Ones That Taste of Chicken?

No, this gardening lark seems crazy and mixed up to me. I mean, ‘flowerbeds.’ Beds for flowers? Really? How daft does he think I am? I’ve never seen a pillow or a duvet in the garden, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard anyone, or anything, snoring out the back at night.

Could it be that he is the one who is confused and not me?

© 2020

12 March 2023