Zak Spade's

HAPLESS times as the gremlins are after me

 Published in a local newspaper December 2011 as:
HAPLESS times as the gremlins are after me
by Phil J. O'Hara

o - O - o

Awhile back, I made reference to an item the Leighton Buzzard Observer carried in October regarding a faulty tumble drier thought to have caused a fire in local flats.

Soon afterwards my washing machine broke down and it had me wondering if I might have upset people from Household Appliance Protection League and Environmental Soul Searchers (HAPLESS).

Recently I have experienced many strange happenings. It has me wondering if they have sent out gremlins to target me. My car is making a funny noise and my PC keeps crashing when I least expect it.

Seeing odd things taking place as I drive through our town makes me fearful that I may have attracted the ire of HAPLESS people. Is it possible that activists from HAPLESS have been targeting the area in which I reside?

In August 1975, campaigners vandalised the Headingley cricket ground causing an Ashes Test to be abandoned. They took what is known as ‘direct action’ to highlight what they saw as the wrongful conviction of a man called George Davis.

I can see ‘direct action’ by HAPLESS people extending from Church Street to Heath and Reach.

It looks like HAPLESS people were responsible for the removal of the white lines that previously clearly indicated the usage and presence of cyclists along that stretch of road. Their replacement by confusing green squares and rectangles points to action by HAPLESS people.

Quite what HAPLESS people have against cyclists is beyond me. Saying that, I wondered what the 1975 campaigners for the release of George Davis had against cricket.

The explanation for the green patches along the side of the road is that they tell car drivers that the road is for cars and cyclists. Apparently the old lane marking encouraged cyclists to ride in the gutter.

Plausible, except... If that were the case then those green patches and cycle symbols would have been positioned in the middle of the road lane and not alongside the gutter...

The logic doesn’t hold any water as far as I can tell, and I am firmly of the opinion that it is the work of HAPLESS people.

I searched the Leighton Buzzard Observer for any indication supporting my fears. Articles about white goods assaulting innocent shoppers, and the like, were highly conspicuous by their absence.

However, I noticed something called ‘Christmas’ is coming up shortly. Reading the centre pages of the Observer I read that preparations are going well and a wonderful and exciting time was had by all over the weekend when the Leighton Buzzard Christmas lights were switched on.

If Christmas goes as well as last year, I suspect that they will want to put it in the calendar every year.

© 2011

29 August 2021