The Blog of Zak Spade

July 2021 Archive
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Darwin Beagle

Darwin on Space
Tuesday 27 July, 2021

My local newspaper under the name, Darwin Beagle, as:

Without a doubt dogs would win this space race malarkey

- o - O - o -

I was listening to the radio the other day. Okay, I was snoozing while my owner was listening to it. But whatever, I got to hear about a chap called Richard Brownstone being fired into space by a rocket thing with wings.

Then another voice on the radio said that he didn’t really go into space because he only flew about fifty-something miles up and space is defined as being sixty-two miles above the ground. The discussion between the voices became quite heated and I remained still and smug, resting upon my rug which is zero miles up in the air.

I will admit that I don’t know much about space and rockets. However, I do know that the first animal to orbit the Earth in a spaceship was a dog. It was a Russian Siberian husky crossed with other breeds and certainly not a pedigree such as myself. Truth be told, she was basically a mongrel.

Apparently there is a race between Richard Brownstone, Jeff Baysauce and Ellen Must. I suspect that specially designed spacesuits that allow them to crouch down and put their feet in big starting blocks would be required. Or they could hold the race on the ground so as to not have to wear spacesuits, but then that probably would be called a ‘ground race’ or something.

Two more people would be needed. One would fire the starting pistol and the other would be at the finish line. No, wait. No, that is three people. There has to be one at each end of the finishing tape. So there would have to be another three spacesuits.

Suddenly racing on the ground is looking a better idea.

If I were to be invited to take part, I would have to wear a special spacesuit of my own design. Obviously it would have to have four legs rather than two, and it would need to be smaller. But the most important thing would be to design a helmet that had a special visor I could flip up when one of the space race competitors offers me a chicken treat. A spacesuit that doesn’t allow for accepting and eating treats would be a very poor spacesuit.

That’s why the first animal to orbit the Earth was a dog. If I were part of this space racing business, then I would probably win. A beagle made it to Mars before any of those who are racing, but like me, it remains very quiet.


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Jago Phillips

The Great Flying Hoax
Tuesday 20 July, 2021

Published in my local newspaper under the name, Jago Phillips, who is a UFO-nut, conspiracy theorist, and general all-round advocate for Them and Us as:
200 tons yet able to fly? Aviation must surely be a modern-day hoax


- o - O - o -

Things are returning to normal shortly. That means the great lie of the air industry can be maintained.

It is incredible how many holiday makers and business travellers really believe that dirty great lumps of metal can fly. From the Wright Brothers Hoax of 1903 to the present day, the flying deception has thrived.

Passengers are herded onto dummy airliners and once they are settled, they are subjected to knockout gases which then allow carriers to move their unconscious customers to buses and coaches in which to be transported to their expected destinations. At the other end they are taken onto replicas of the aeroplane they boarded at the start and an antidote is pumped through the air conditioning so all come round.

Long haul ‘flights’ tend to require travellers to be out for longer as shipping takes a good while when having to move people internationally. The result is what is colloquially known as ‘jet lag’ – disorientation and weariness ascribed to time differences between far removed locations. The truth is that it is down to the effects of being unconscious for long periods after chemical incapacitation.

Whole industries have been built upon the deception. Manufacturers have been set up to build things which no rational human being really believes can exist in the sky far above. Likewise, airline operators have grown into behemoths of obscene proportions which exist only to fool as much of the population as possible. Pilot training is all about kidding otherwise normally adjusted members of society into perpetuating the lie. They learn and practise with crude simulators. More advanced models are used when furthering the process of tricking them into believing they really are piloting a metal tube containing a cargo of real people through the skies.

Does anyone believe that humankind has developed something weighing over two hundred tons, fully laden, that can fly? Does someone really expect the population to swallow the story that today’s society has the technology to do so such a thing, as well as reach for the stars? Manufacturers using today’s technology can’t even build a car which allows an owner to change a headlamp bulb without having to strip the front end; or a computer that just works without being required to have a degree in computer science.

Hoodwinked and sold the world’s greatest hoax.